


Nailed It! A Blackwatch Boys Competition

by nebulas (strawberry_bee)



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: AU, Food Network Challenge, im so sorry to any intern that finds this, it's funny, jaques - Freeform, joke, nailed it, nichole beyers, winston(in cake form), you are not paid enough clearly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 17:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16917348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_bee/pseuds/nebulas
Summary: The boys of Blackwatch are on the Netflix TV show Nailed It! Also Jack Morrison is the guest judge.





	Nailed It! A Blackwatch Boys Competition

Nichole clapped her hands together ecstatically, beaming at the camera. 

“This season’s theme is suspicious organizational bodies in power! Today, we are getting a special treat in the blackwatch division of Overwatch!” She beamed brightly, images of cakes that represented omnic parts, the abstract idea of fluoride in the groundwater, and a flat earth cake flashed in front of the screen, all good and bad. 

“Our contestants are naturally interesting characters. Allow them to introduce themselves!” She gestured to the doors, where Gabe stalked out grouchily.

“I don’t want to be here,” Gabe stares at the camera flatly. Contrary to his attitude though, the videos that are shot of him in the kitchen reveal intricate decorations that would rival Jacques’ work. In the kitchen, he looks genuinely happy, as if it is his true element. The contrast is stark when the camera cuts back to his expression as he walks between Genji and Jesse, a scowl fixated on his features. 

“Next, we have the most handsome cowboy of the west,” Nichole fans herself briefly “Jesse McCree, who by the way, has a bigger bounty on his head than this contest offers.” 

“I ain’t much of a baker ta be honest. If ya can’t barbeque it then there’s no point in tryin’ in the first place,” Jesse drawls, puffing from his cigar casually. What footage there is of him in the kitchen consists of him holding a cupcake pan full to the brim with cornbread mix on an open grill. He dribbles chili onto the cornbread once they’re popped out of the pan, handing them to a disgruntled Genji who immediately suplexes it into the floor. 

“We are in agreement to keep the location of Jesse under raps, but I wouldn’t mind tying him up myself,” Nichole winks at the camera.

The brief interview with Genji is filled with silence as he scowls at the camera. 

“Ohhh-kay, bakers! It’s a delight to meet all of you, and may I remind you all that officially we are not allowed to arrest you while on our premises, so no need to run out like last episodes contestant.” She beams brightly, when she gets no reaction, she takes a big breath. 

“Today we have me, Nichole Beyers, as your host, as well as the lovely Jacques. Today’s special guest is, of course, someone you all know very well. Welcome, Commander Jack Morrison!” Nichole begins to clap, the only other one joining in is Jacques. 

“It’s lovely to meet you guys,” Jack says lightly to the judges, looking like a complete sell out in a nice button down shirt and khakis. 

“Hmmph,” Gabe crosses his arms, glarings at Jack. 

“Oooh, if looks could kill,” NIchole titters, turning from Gabe to Jack and back again.

“Ah, he’s tried before,” Jack waves her off, and Nichole grimaces at the camera. 

“Anywho, Jack, would you like to announce the baker’s choice?” Nichole asks. 

“I would love too. Behind number one are three of the most important members of Overwatch represented as icing on sugar cookies,” Jack says. In a grand flourish the door opens, revealing three cookies that have Reinhardt, Ana, and Jack on each individual cookie. 

“Most important my ass,” Jesse grumbles, hooking his thumbs on his belt loops. He nudges Gabe “Right boss?” 

“Whatever. Ten thousand and us three? Going on a vacation from pompous assholes,” The last part he directed at Jack. 

“Pick your...cookies?” Nichole says, looking rather harried at the current direction of conversation. Genji sweeps through, snatching up the largest of the cookies, Reinhardt, before getting back in line. Gabe marches over and picks up Jack’s cookie, while Jesse takes his sweet time snagging the last one available. He winks at Nichole, who was casually eyeing his behind. 

“Now, Gabe, why is it that you picked your cookie?” Nichole asked. Gabe stares her dead in the eye. 

“So I can crush his head like this,” He picks up the cookie and does just so, the crumbles smacking onto the plate dramatically. 

“Ana is my sharpshootin’ instructor, it’s fittin’ that I should do her an honor an’ all,” Jesse cuts in. 

“And you, Genji?” Nichole asks brightly. 

“I’m hungry,” Genji shrugs.

“You do realize you have to bake, right?” Nichole asks.

“I’m taking an abstract approach,” He states, turning to his station. 

“The clock starts now!” Nichole yells, glad for the cue. The three of them head to their stations, tapping on their individual screens. Genji hops on to the counter and spends several moments pecking at his screen until a youtube video of some sort of video game stream pops up. He hits play. He carefully takes off his visor so he can slip bits of cookie into his mouth without the camera seeing underneath. It appears that for the indefinite future, that is all that he is doing. 

“Gabe is flying blind, dont you think?” Nichole comments to her fellow judges. 

“Looking at how clever his decorations are at home, this will be an easy win for him,” Jacques points out. “As long as he doesn’t let his feud with Jack get ahead of him, of course.”

“Speaking of, didja eat the rest of his favorite cereal this morning or something Jack?” Nichole asks, twisting in her seat. Jack only shrugs good-naturedly. 

“I wish there was a reason, but I’m used to it,” He says. Gabe, meanwhile, is using a meat tenderizer to beat at the fondant on his countertop. The cookies it appears, are already in the oven. From what can be seen, the head shapes of all the cookies are rather large. 

“Everything is great,” Gabe says, cracking the metal into the hard icing once more. He waves the camera away.

Meanwhile, Jesse is painstakingly carving out the likeness of Ana from the sugar cookie dough that he has rolled out on the countertop. Predictably, none of the shapes he has carved out thus far were not good enough, and he has his cowboy hat pushed back at a jaunty angle as he focuses, tongue sticking out a little as he works. 

“Aw shit, her ears aren't the size of a circus elephant,” Jesse bemoans, chucking the dough behind him. He begins anew, hardly noticing Genji slipping by to grab some of the discarded dough off of the surrounding surfaces. 

Genji glowers at the camera, hands full of stolen sweets as he perches on the counter once more. “Interrupt me one more time and I will string you up on the studio lights,” He says, staring dead into the camera’s eye. 

“Five more minutes!” Nichole cries out. Gabe has made a decent likeness of Jack, if Jack were suffering from chickenpox as well as swollen eyes. Gabe cackles to himself as he adds pimples on top of the already marred skin of the cookie. Jesse meanwhile is near tears, grumbling to himself in Spanish as he tries and fails to make his Ana cookie look like Ana herself. Genji, it seems, has slapped something on the plate and has already put his lid on top. 

Gabe and Jesse rush to put their lids on before the timer bings. 

“Okay, let’s see what y’all did!” Nichole says brightly. They march over to Gabe first, who casually lifts the lid. 

“I call it ‘the beasts true form’” he states. The interpretation of Jack is excellent, if not rather ill-looking. 

“It looks like you gave him every nineteenth century disease imaginable,” Nichole comments. 

“Yes, because he’s a sick man,” Gabe says. 

“Well, do we wanna taste it?” Nichole asks.

“As long as it doesn’t make me that sick looking, yes,” Jacques quips. All three judges take a piece of the cookie, hmming in appreciation. 

“This is excellent,” Jack says. 

“Oh, thank god, the chosen one has complimented me,” Gabe snarks, rolling his eyes. 

“It is rather good, the texture is just crumbly enough and sweet enough. No complaints here,” Jacques says quickly before Jack can say anything. 

“Thank you,” Gabe says, smiling a little at Jacques. 

“Moving on,” Nichole says, pushing Jack a little to knock him out of his glaring contest with the back of Gabe’s head. 

“Well mister western vision, what do you have to show us today?” Nichole inquires. 

“I ah, I tried my best,” Jesse begins, lifting the lid. The Ana cookie is in a sad state indeed. The cookie is extremely lumpy, and one cheekbone is a good half an inch lower than the other. 

“Is she having a stroke?” Nichole bursts out. The others cackle as Jesse deflates.

“I tried my best,” He says, glaring.

“Of course ya did, let’s taste this bad boy huh?” Nichole suggests. Again the three contestants descend on the plate. Jack makes a face, and Jacques gags a little bit. 

“It’s too salty,” Jacques gasps, finally managing to force down the bite of cookie. 

“McCree, did you mix up salt and sugar again?” Jack asks. Jesse snorts.

“I told ya, if it ain’t on a grill, it just wont be any good,” He crosses his arms, not saying a word until they finally move on.

“What about you, Genji?” Nichole asks. Genji punches the top to the floor, the glass shattering. A dramatic introduction indeed for a half eaten chips ahoy cookie on the plate.

“Do we even have that in the back room?” Jacques asks. 

“No,” Genji offers flatly. 

“I think we all know what a chips ahoy cookie tastes like,” Jack says. Nichole nods sagely before leading the way to the front of the judge’s table. 

“Everyone move to the left side of the room please, Genji stay where you are,” Nichole says. “Jacques, would you like to announce our winner of Bakers Choice?”

“I would be honored. This is for the best tasting desert, as well as the best decorated even if it’s a little unconventional to the original. Gabriel Reyes!” The judges burst into applause as Genji and Jesse grudgingly clap for their boss. 

“Plus, you win a free stand mixer in matte black!” Nichole jumps in. Jacques places the golden encrusted hat over Gabe’s beanie as the stand mixer is briefly rolled out for posterity. 

“Now since only one of you put any effort into the challenge besides the winner, Jesse is going to receive the nag button, where I will harass the other two contestants for an entire three minutes,” Nichole says. 

“Let’s look over to the second door, where your challenge awaits,” Nichole says.

Behind the second door awaited Winston in the image of a cake in the Thinker pose. Gabe made a face at all of the details, while Jesse looked shellshocked. 

“I’m gonna be frank, I ain’t no expert in Gorilla anatomy,” Jesse confesses.

“It’ll be okay! Remember, we judge you on taste as well,” Nichole reassures him, conveniently ignoring the earlier mistake with the salt and sugar. Genji meanwhile stares stoically at the cake, a glimmer in his eyes. 

“You all have an hour and a half to complete the challenge, lets go!” Nichole shouts. All three contestants bolt for their stations. Miraculously, Genji breaks out a couple of pans, following the recipe.  
Halfway through the competition, after everyone had assembled their cakes, they began carving their monoliths. Genji made the rather unconventional decision to use his katana, waving away Jack when he came by to suggest he not do so. Jesse meanwhile had discarded his hat long ago, and was currently chiseling away at his cake with a butter knife. His cake tilted dangerously, no buttercream between the layers to keep it from crumbling. Gabe sculpted the fist of Winston out of modelling chocolate, winston’s glasses resting dainty on the edge of the plate.

When Gabe was just inserting the stick for the fist, Jesse smacked his annoy button. Nichole launches out of her seat, racing to Gabe’s station. 

“What’cha doin? Can I have some? Where are you going? How tall is Winston? Do you guys hang out a lot?” She rambles. Gabe pauses what he is doing, staring deep into the distance until she moves on at last. 

“You’re starting to scare me Gabe, I’m gonna go pester Genji now,” She says. Genji is currently sitting crouched on top of his work station, katana in hand as he sculpts a rather phallic shaped cake. 

“Oooo, a sword,” Nichole says, reaching out for it. Genji hesitates for the briefest of moments before he hands it to her. 

“Kachow!” Nichole shouts, swinging it through the air. Genji laughs as she sinks it into the side paneling of his station.

“OH nope, nope! I didn’t do that!” She says, immediately dropping the handle. She leaves Genji to yank it back out. 

Gabe expertly pipes the fur onto the Winston cake, humming all the while. Jesse panics, dumping melted modeling chocolate all over the horrid shape of his cake. Genji meanwhile is taking his sweet time piping hair around the base of the phallic symbol, eyes glittering in mirth. 

“One more minute to go! Finishing touches!” Nichole cries out. The three rush to throw up the divider in front of their cakes, just before the timer goes off. 

“Let’s see how they did,” Jack says, following Jacques and Nichole down. 

“Gabe, show us your cake,” Nichole says. Gabe punches the button, revealing a gorgeously sculpted image of Winston.

“I feel like it’s a crime to eat this cake,” Nichole says. 

“Not bad, not bad at all,” Jack says. Gabe scoffs. 

“I can’t wait to taste it, Nichole?” Jacques says. 

“Oh, yes, right, more cakes!” Nichole says, marching off. 

“I jus’ wanna say, Winston, from the bottom of my heart, I am awful sorry,” Jesse says, placing his hat over his heart. He pushes the divider down. 

“Oh, no,” Nichole says. Jack has fallen into a fit of wheezing, holding his stomach as Jacques tries desperately to find something to say. The cake, it appears, looks as if it had been trapped in a shell of chocolate, which was pretty much the truth. 

“We’re gonna need a chisel to crack him open,” Jacques says. 

“Ah, c’mon, i’m sure it’ll taste great. Okay Jesse, one more cake to go,” She waves farewell to the cowboy.

Genji smacks the divider down, the dick-cake raised in all its glory. The producers, whoever it must’ve been, had felt that it was too beautifully rendered for a major portion of it is covered with a black censor bar.

“Well, props for anatomy,” Jack comments.

“Must be like looking into a mirror,” Genji says. 

“Watch it,” Jack snaps. Nichole pats Jacques on the back and they both retreat, declining to have a comment on the dick cake. 

“Please give us your best slice!” Jacques calls. The three assemble their best pieces, dropping them in front of each judge before retreating. 

Gabe’s cake is an instant favorite, all three judges scrunching up their faces in pleasure. 

“The banana nut flavoring was an excellent surprise, and the peanut butter cream cheese frosting? Excellent,” Jacques says. 

“I feel like you shouldn’t be on Nailed It,” Nichole puts in.

“It’s one of your best,” Jack says. 

“Thank you,” Gabe says, patting the golden hat atop his head. 

They transitioned to Jesse’s cake. Jacques coughed a little eating his piece, and Nichole dabbed at her eyes.

“Jesse, how much whiskey did you put in this?” Nichole asks. 

“Ah, the usual,” Jesse says. 

“I feel like I had a shot in one bite,” Jack says. 

“No kidding, if I wanna be able to drive home after this I’d better stop now,” Nichole pushes the plate away, “the chocolate shell was good though!” 

“Very crisp,” Jacques adds. 

“Next!” Nichole says. They ignore the fact that Genji has given them the balls of the cake, again their expressions become a wash of confusion.

“I feel like my mouth lost all of its taste buds,” Nichole says. 

“Was this a poisoning attempt?” Jack asks. Jacques and Nichole both push their plates away at the mention. Genji merely shakes his head. 

“I made it out of the wrappers from what I ate in the pantry,” He says. 

“Oh, so that’s the crunchy bit, the aluminum,” Nichole says faintly. Genji nods.

“Well, Jacques, would you like to announce our winner,” Nichole asks, barely retaining her professionalism. 

“It was no contest, really. Gabe, you’re out Nailed It winner,” Jacques announces, before darting off to most likely vomit. Jack, to his immense credit, does fire off the money gun. The three contestants sweep offstage, Gabe pausing to snatch his trophy before swinging his arms over the shoulders of Genji and Jesse both. He says something, and Jesse gufaws before they fade out.


End file.
